Going to Urbana for this second time has brought a new perspective on what it is all about. Equipping us on how to be missionary in the way we live out our Christian life has been the goal. The theme of Incarnation as Christ 'dwelled among us' has made the conference as a whole more applicable and relevant in how we should model our lives as Christians.
I remember attending the same conference three years ago, staying at the same Hilton at Ballpark hotel, eating at the same TGI Fridays (which I'm sure the name gets us all going there :), recognizing the same arch right outside Hilton, crossing the same 4th Street, and facing the same stage at the Edward's Dome. Yet still something seemed so different this time around. In the midst of all the emotional hype and extravaganza with all the performance work, massive worship band, billboards and the use of multimedia in carrying out the message of Urbana, my heart and mind I felt was drawn into peace instead. I was drawn to meet Jesus in the quietness of my soul. True glory I found.
Upon arriving to Urbana this past December, I felt burdened with expectations I myself wanted to live up to, whether it is at home with my family, in school, in CCF, amongst friends, with my bosses. Being the eldest in the family, I have always socialized to live up to people's approval because my sister looked up to me and still does to this day. Gradually for many years, I wanted to make sure that people were always pleased with what I did. Indeed how wrong was I to think that I could achieve true happiness when I can get everyone to like me and accept me. So that's what I did. I did whatever it took to gain popularity acceptance; pretending to be someone who I not, lying, constantly seeking attention of others and slowly yet surely I have developed a false self that seemed have completely met an instant gratification anyone could ask for, and yet it was FAR from the best that God has planned for me long before I was born. I knew God's heart broken there right in front of my very eyes yet I was too blind to see. I felt that there was huge wall of fear, insecurity and hurt that had separated me from God's presence. It was one of the darkest days in my life. Much of my fear and indulgence in self-centredness stemmed from parents' separation when I was 9th grade. Yet I realized the weight of pride and hurt that was living in me all this time and that it was hardening my heart big time.I knew I needed help, a lot of help. At Urbana 2003 at one of the prayer ministry sessions, God broken my walls defense and despair for the first time. After so many years of looking for help, satisfaction and attention in all the wrong, God revealed to me right there and then through the Prayer Minister that He Alone was going to help me.
Going back to Urbana this year, God has re-affirmed His faithfulness in these past 3 years of continuing and disciplining and maturity me in my life.Yet He knew and knows up till this day, I am still in His unfinished piece of work, who will be continuously healed and perfected and healed until He comes back.
Going to prayer ministry session, I felt Jesus saw beyond the so called 'maturity' and 'enough' spiritually growth that was superficially plastered across my face and the surface of my live. Over the years I felt I have grown so much in how to love God, love people and being healed my Him and I wanted to strong for once. Yet in my Wholeness, He gently nugged at my stubborn heart and invited me to be weak because as His true disciple, I need to be the lord of my life and let Him Alone be Strong. The only was I could be alive in Him demanded me to let go of my pride and self-sufficiency and surrender and moreover commit to His Lordship. I knew it. He demanded for me to know Him in a whole different person. As a weak person. :)
" 18 For Christ also suffered once for sins, the just for the unjust, that He might bring use]">[e] to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive by the Spirit, "
1 Peter 1: 18
I remember entering the prayer ministry room feeling extremely lonely, frustrated and unsatisfied and stubbornly denying the need for prayer. During 20 minutes straight of sitting in my pride and dissatisfaction, I felt God's grace softening my heart. It was then, I made my way to be prayed for. When God calls us to Himself, He does simply ask for a part of us, or even most of us, but His light comes in and search each and every part of our hearts and looks for even the very part we try to hide and humanly rationalize from Him. For me it was pride and selfishness. I feel known and have come to know this Jesus I claim to follow at different level. I feel my faith being grounded in His healing even as a weak person, whose eyes He opens, whose sickness He heals, whose legs He strengthens. The one that dwelt among us and learned our ways while we were still and are still many a times waddling in our own sins. It is living through the different accounts of Jesus's healing in my own life of 'blindness, being crippled, being paralyzed in my own faith. A remarkable I have learned at Urbana 09. This is the Jesus I know.
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