Knowing Him as Baruch

Happy Boxing Day 2010 everyone!

I really haven't loved to be home so much as these Christmas Holidays! December 2010 is a time I will remember, truly reminise about years after because it's been that much of a blessing. Dad in Heaven, thank You! <3

It's already half way the bench mark of my program in London. UWO Education Program at Althouse, frankly not what I'm most fond of, but God has been more then merciful throughout the course of my studies and LABOURING practicums (seriously labouring) the past 4 months. wow :)

God has put me through and in discomfort, living with different people and working under countless authorities to show me how good He REALLY IS. It's one of the most grateful things this holiday season to realize that! What highlight! :D The downside of this would be having hopelessly and bitterly wallowed in ungratefulness and homesickness for over one month before coming back to T.O. God had so graciously comforted me the moment I stepped foot home, reminding me of what is truly important in my life. Just last Wed. I met up with Pastor Sarah from New Hope Church in downtown Toronto (the most life giving and heart pouring transparent godly conversations I've ever had seriously <3>

I shared about reading a called 'Faith Enough to Finish - by Jill Briscoe'. I explained to her about how my life resembled defeat more than victory in Him because I have let the devil take hold of my life and He's been trampling ALL OVER it at the weakest moments in my life of these 4 months in London. Being in close proximity with certain people can be very tough, but as I experienced all that, I found myself full of excuses for waddling hopeless despair rather than asking God for help . Like Baruch in the book of Jeremiah in the Bible, in my mind honestly, I subconsciously gave up on believing that God even existed in my poor circumstances let alone fight the devil. In the book it quoted that 'we would rather live in defeat rather than asking God for help.' Pastor Sarah reminded of which completely began to change how I approached my faith. She said: ' To live is to know God'. It is to understand the possibility to life only through the work and presence of His Holy Spirit. what it means to allow our old self to be crucified with Christ and have Christ's life shine through you. Christ's life aught not to shine through only on glorious Sundays but everyday of following Him. I have been living in defeat for the longest time 2 months ago, self-righteously working out ways to be a blessing to extremely difficult people. My past mentality of being a blessing had been to force myself to love without God who is the full embodiment of love from the BEGINNING. I was reminded that I aught to decrease so that God can increase as He loves through me. I have to let go even of my intentions to love my roomate and let God's plan unfold. I don't know what He does until He does it so because love is a commandment for me only to glorify Him, I need to ONLY be a channel of His love to whoever God has placed in my life at a given time as my neighbour. My trap and I'm sure it is for most of us selfishly ambitious people is to do great things through God but it's wrong. Us fulfilling ourselves is heresy. What God wants more than anything is for Him to do great things through us. It is His heart and mind we adopt. Not our own.

The journey of seeing God's hand in this is detrimental but it is more than a blessing to finally understand what it means when (God says) do not fear for I am with you; do not be afraid for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

- Isaiah 41:10

I'm beginning to know Him.

what a timely reminder to be thankful, to reflect on hope, on freedom. This is what this season is about it! Thankful, hopeful and free because of what Jesus came to do.

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year 2011 everyone!!! :)

Amazing things God promises to His people in Psalm 145

.a life of praise as a lifelong response to a relentlessly loving God. This is the way He loves us.

Psalm 145

A Praise of David.

¹ I will extol You, my God, O King;
And I will bless Your name forever and ever.
² Every day I will bless You,
And I will praise Your name forever and ever.
³ Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised;
And His greatness is unsearchable.

⁴ One generation shall praise Your works to another,
And shall declare Your mighty acts.
⁵ I^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} will meditate on the glorious splendor of Your majesty,
And on Your wondrous works.^{b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]}
⁶ Men shall speak of the might of Your awesome acts,
And I will declare Your greatness.
⁷ They shall utter the memory of Your great goodness,
And shall sing of Your righteousness.

⁸ The LORD is gracious and full of compassion,
Slow to anger and great in mercy.
⁹ The LORD is good to all,
And His tender mercies are over all His works.

¹⁰ All Your works shall praise You, O LORD,
And Your saints shall bless You.
¹¹ They shall speak of the glory of Your kingdom,
And talk of Your power,
¹² To make known to the sons of men His mighty acts,
And the glorious majesty of His kingdom.
¹³ Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
And Your dominion endures throughout all generations.^{c]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[c]}

¹⁴ The LORD upholds all who fall,
And raises up all who are bowed down.
¹⁵ The eyes of all look expectantly to You,
And You give them their food in due season.
¹⁶ You open Your hand
And satisfy the desire of every living thing.

¹⁷ The LORD is righteous in all His ways,
Gracious in all His works.
¹⁸ The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth.
¹⁹ He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;
He also will hear their cry and save them.
²⁰ The LORD preserves all who love Him,
But all the wicked He will destroy.
²¹ My mouth shall speak the praise of the LORD,
And all flesh shall bless His holy name
Forever and ever.

a late afternoon reflection amidst the third snow day in London in 4 years

i saw a glimpse of eternity today. it was hopeful. that is why i decided to reproduce this journal entry to this blog of mine, of which i have subconsciously neglected for awhile.

I literally sat in front of my laptop today and Jaeson Ma's phrase on passion suddenly came to me again since 2 weeks ago when I heard Him speak. It was along the lines 'If my passion is not worth dying for, it is not worth living for.'

I knew it struck a cord in my heart, a thick one. I knew God was talking about my relationships and my desire to see reconciliation in my life and in this world. Not only that but seeing relationships being rebuilt and more new ones being built. I know I'm far from being perfect but I know that You are my God (Levitcus 20:24)and you will protect me whenever I take on any challenge You are blessing me with. I love what you can do in them midst of situations, circumstances, and in people when I obey to step out in faith, not fully seeing the end picture of it all. I want to rest not knowing but trusting that you've already answered and made the best decision for your beloved; You have conquered Satan in my situation at the cross. '⁷For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.' 2 Timothy 1:7 (NASB)
May this be a reminder Lord. May this attitude of obedience be in me as a witness to all of who I live for and what I live for. Let my life always claim victory over fear by Your spirit and bypass it like on eagles' wings (Isaiah 40:31). I trust You.

My Recent LAMENT

I'm on the brink on starting another school year, probably the last school I will have for a while. Just want to jot some sentimental and mindful thoughts down. Here we go..
TEST. wow. nearly never has it been a year that was THIS trying and difficult before, but God chose to have 2009-2010 school year to be the year and not to mention, continuing! When will it end is what I'm thinking to myself? :P

How do I deal with this inner turmoil that my exhausted heart and mind is suffocating in but completely unable to comprehend. The Psalms have been helpful especially Psalm 73 which talks very explicitly God's vindication for those who chooses to live righteously rather than wickedly, but this truth is very slow in connecting with not just my mind but especially my dear heart I find. SIGH.

Faith is being pushed to the limits even more so because it is the only thing now that is still there when nothing else seems to be a testimony of His goodness, His faithfulness and even His power. Now I haven't been speaking like this for a long time, but as I continue to collect my every thoughts at the moment, this is a great lament I know.
It is very hard to sense that God is good, faithful, just, powerful or ever in control when there seems to be a lack of regard for each other in people close me - it's exactly what's happening right now amongst my family; I feel like when we don't care to show love to one another, God is being totally ignored because He is love in character. Don't get me wrong, my emphasis is not being perfect loving because only God Himself can do that. Yet it is on the mere lack of concern of working towards loving people close to us. It feels cold all of a sudden, the lack of love, care, consideration, patience, gentleness and faithfulness. My heart is very tired. Why am I the only one who sees the need of LOVING EACH OTHER in my family? WHY? I feel that my family from my mom to sister to me, we all lack the sense of love but (excuse my harshness) my mom seems to be too internally paralyzed by self-centredness and contaminated by a pluralistic mind (- the lack of regards for the Source of Life) that it really seems like she only cares to love herself. It indeed affect us, especially my sister because she's not grown up yet and can't even understand till later. What do I do? :P

I pray that God will come and save as He has in the past every time!


12 For He will deliver the needy when he cries,
The poor also, and him who has no helper.
13 He will spare the poor and needy,
And will save the souls of the needy.
14 He will redeem their life from oppression and violence;
And precious shall be their blood in His sight.

Psalm 72:12-14 (A true fuel recently as I AM in dire need of every bit of it from HIM!) ;)

Re-Connect

Dear friends,

I have recently been thinking about reasons and the purposes of what we call "evangelism". As I embark on a journey of a 2 weeks training with CEFOntario, the curiosity and ardor to peel the onion layers of this Christian principle hasn't been clearer and poignant.

I has become something like daily breathing for me, something pure that I want to live to do.

So what is "Evangelism" anyway? It is hardly a simply hard skill that many Christians tend to bombard their minds and self with but it extends to an expression of God hand to people all around. It is to re-connect - re-connect broken souls to the love of an Almighty God.


How do we do it? Jesus was the greatest example. Love. Jesus's life on earth was the representation of God's love. His passion of re-connecting the lost people to His Father led Him to suffer even as He was being marred for rebuking all that was sinful and impure and all that was unpleasing to His Father. But he loved all those that he healed, saved, discipled, stayed with that it killed Him.

This past December-January, my good friend and I bought this book called 'LOVE-the best Apologetic' at the Urbana Conference. I have yet to open it but see the title, it means what it says. When we evangelize, God can enable you to love like He loves us through Jesus's life, and be His witness. When we are God's witnesses, we show God by the kind of love our life displays in different circumstances. The unpredictability and nature of life's problems sure change this love that's display genuinely in our lives through Christ because this love from Him is has no conditions in itself. A hard but a lesson worth learning. When people see God, it is because they have seen who God is by who we are. And they are led to God more by the kind of love we display that's attributed to God...(the greatest qualities 1 Corinthians 13:4-8) MORE than the kind of love we speak of.


journey of learning of falling in love continues... ;)

cheers XP

My Devotions on Psalm 133

Wow. So after having MIA for awhile here is to CCF: :)

A song of ascents. Of David.

¹ How good and pleasant it is
when brothers live together in unity!

² It is like precious oil poured on the head,
running down on the beard,
running down on Aaron's beard,
down upon the collar of his robes.

³ It is as if the dew of Hermon
were falling on Mount Zion.
For there the LORD bestows his blessing,
even life forevermore.

What do you think of it comes to what bonds a community of friends and moreover Christians together? What is the glue that binds me to you, you to me, you to her and you to him in a relationship? The Psalmist David talks about Harmony that is the glue here but furthermore describes the special strength of this bond comes from God Himself who binds everyone to one another in unity. This spirit of unity makes the harmony we Christians share like rich oil like it says in verse 2 that enriches and strengthens bonds in a way that cannot be without the same nourishment. When I think about relationships, the first thing that comes into my mind is friction that naturally flows out of familiarity and all the fun stuff that comes with it! The good old concept called - friction in relationships from my timely experiences nearly debilitates us to even want to look at each other sometimes. It is most human to sugar coating this and that situation and this or that feeling, which we are often also tempted to do (This personally rings true for me in many ways). So many things in life is rather what we (social science and humanities students) call 'relative' and situational. How we ought to treat one another depends how well we know the person, saying things in gentleness, in the right time, to the right person and of course keeping the bond of peace. These are all good things in itself. I have heard this saying from friends and Jon Wang and it goes: 'saying the right things at the wrong time is still saying the wrong thing.' However I believe David is trying to bring home through Psalm 133 an extension of what humans are capable of doing when it comes to keeping unity in a Christian community especially. The unity that is from God and that is gained by seeking Him is the only empowered way to bring truth out in love (Ephesians 4:15) because there is God's strength in His spirit of unity. It creates love that bears being honest and being truthful. It consequently introduces something called 'healing' in sight through true forgiveness (Ephesians 4:31) that is only possible through God's love. The marrow of Psalm I believe is that harmony in community is a blessing from His spirit of unity.

So, in conclusion I would love to commend the love I see in CCF, the love I receive and the love that is just rubbed of from all of you guys, whether it is demonstrated physically, verbally, directly or indirectly! KEEP the LOVE flowing CCF!!!

The Way I Come to You - Bethany Dillon

Day turned to night
You breathed your last
Blood flowed from your side
All of God in a young man
Who gave away His life
And You loved me
When I was Your enemy
And You chose me
When I didn't believe


And You drank the cup
That was all filled up
With my punish and shame
From the garden to the empty tomb
The way I come to You forever changed


A crushing burden on our backs
The words hang in the air
"His blood be on us and our children"
Still You forgave us there


And you loved me
When I was your enemy
And you chose me
when I didn't believe
And you drank the cup that was all filled up
with my punishment and shame
from the garden to the empty tomb
The way I come to you forever changed


Jesus, perfect through suffering
Jesus, my merciful High Priest
The weakness of God is mighty
And the foolishness of His love has saved me


When you drank the cup that was all filled up
With my punishment and shame
From the garden to the empty tomb
The way I come to you forever changed
Forever changed




Youtube itt :) Have been solemnly yet surely walking with Jesus through this song!

Enjoy ;)

Food for thought - Urbana 09 =)

Going to Urbana for this second time has brought a new perspective on what it is all about. Equipping us on how to be missionary in the way we live out our Christian life has been the goal. The theme of Incarnation as Christ 'dwelled among us' has made the conference as a whole more applicable and relevant in how we should model our lives as Christians.


I remember attending the same conference three years ago, staying at the same Hilton at Ballpark hotel, eating at the same TGI Fridays (which I'm sure the name gets us all going there :), recognizing the same arch right outside Hilton, crossing the same 4th Street, and facing the same stage at the Edward's Dome. Yet still something seemed so different this time around. In the midst of all the emotional hype and extravaganza with all the performance work, massive worship band, billboards and the use of multimedia in carrying out the message of Urbana, my heart and mind I felt was drawn into peace instead. I was drawn to meet Jesus in the quietness of my soul. True glory I found.

Upon arriving to Urbana this past December, I felt burdened with expectations I myself wanted to live up to, whether it is at home with my family, in school, in CCF, amongst friends, with my bosses. Being the eldest in the family, I have always socialized to live up to people's approval because my sister looked up to me and still does to this day. Gradually for many years, I wanted to make sure that people were always pleased with what I did. Indeed how wrong was I to think that I could achieve true happiness when I can get everyone to like me and accept me. So that's what I did. I did whatever it took to gain popularity acceptance; pretending to be someone who I not, lying, constantly seeking attention of others and slowly yet surely I have developed a false self that seemed have completely met an instant gratification anyone could ask for, and yet it was FAR from the best that God has planned for me long before I was born. I knew God's heart broken there right in front of my very eyes yet I was too blind to see. I felt that there was huge wall of fear, insecurity and hurt that had separated me from God's presence. It was one of the darkest days in my life. Much of my fear and indulgence in self-centredness stemmed from parents' separation when I was 9th grade. Yet I realized the weight of pride and hurt that was living in me all this time and that it was hardening my heart big time.I knew I needed help, a lot of help. At Urbana 2003 at one of the prayer ministry sessions, God broken my walls defense and despair for the first time. After so many years of looking for help, satisfaction and attention in all the wrong, God revealed to me right there and then through the Prayer Minister that He Alone was going to help me.


Going back to Urbana this year, God has re-affirmed His faithfulness in these past 3 years of continuing and disciplining and maturity me in my life.Yet He knew and knows up till this day, I am still in His unfinished piece of work, who will be continuously healed and perfected and healed until He comes back.


Going to prayer ministry session, I felt Jesus saw beyond the so called 'maturity' and 'enough' spiritually growth that was superficially plastered across my face and the surface of my live. Over the years I felt I have grown so much in how to love God, love people and being healed my Him and I wanted to strong for once. Yet in my Wholeness, He gently nugged at my stubborn heart and invited me to be weak because as His true disciple, I need to be the lord of my life and let Him Alone be Strong. The only was I could be alive in Him demanded me to let go of my pride and self-sufficiency and surrender and moreover commit to His Lordship. I knew it. He demanded for me to know Him in a whole different person. As a weak person. :)



" 18 For Christ also suffered once for sins, the just for the unjust, that He might bring use]">[e] to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive by the Spirit, "

1 Peter 1: 18

I remember entering the prayer ministry room feeling extremely lonely, frustrated and unsatisfied and stubbornly denying the need for prayer. During 20 minutes straight of sitting in my pride and dissatisfaction, I felt God's grace softening my heart. It was then, I made my way to be prayed for. When God calls us to Himself, He does simply ask for a part of us, or even most of us, but His light comes in and search each and every part of our hearts and looks for even the very part we try to hide and humanly rationalize from Him. For me it was pride and selfishness. I feel known and have come to know this Jesus I claim to follow at different level. I feel my faith being grounded in His healing even as a weak person, whose eyes He opens, whose sickness He heals, whose legs He strengthens. The one that dwelt among us and learned our ways while we were still and are still many a times waddling in our own sins. It is living through the different accounts of Jesus's healing in my own life of 'blindness, being crippled, being paralyzed in my own faith. A remarkable I have learned at Urbana 09. This is the Jesus I know.